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Dear Blog: An Apology

  • Posted on July 20, 2011 at 11:32 am

Dear Blog,

I want to start by apologizing – for neglecting you, for thinking about leaving you, and for ignoring your cries of longing in the middle of the night.  I have always been aware that you were here – I swear – but I didn’t really know what to say to you.  Life’s been pretty chill lately, and I must confess that in the past, I used you as a bit of a crutch. I spilled my guts out onto your cyberpages and came to to new realizations this way. For that, I will always be grateful.

But somewhere along the lines, I’ve learned how to process my thoughts and feelings without you.  Typing that right now, I’m not sure if I’m being naïve or if I really truly have figured it all out – it’s hard for me to tell.  Trust me – I remember that only a few short months ago, I felt that I needed you so much that I promised myself (and you) that I would write every day. That was short lived, wasn’t it?

Maybe I feel like my life isn’t exciting enough to write about these days.  Maybe I feel like I’m constantly writing (complaining) about the same things all the time. Maybe I don’t really want to parade my insecurities and inner-most thoughts in front of the whole world anymore. Maybe I’m just trying really hard to accept where I am in my life, and writing to you constantly reminds me of my weaknesses.  Maybe I just don’t need all of that right now.

So maybe it’s time to turn a new page, dear blog. Don’t panic! I don’t want to leave you completely.  But it’s crossed my mind that perhaps your purpose is no longer to be a sounding board for all my problems and insecurities, but more as rather a journal of the quirks of my daily life.  Of course, then I think to myself that perhaps the people of the world don’t really give a shit about my daily life.  But the question arises, who am I really writing for in the first place?

Me.

I write for me. It’s selfish, I know. I am very much aware of that fact. But I’m kind of “over” all the intense self-examination stuff right now. I feel like my brain and my emotions might be a little “over-examined” these days. Sorry blog.

So, whaddaya say?  Should we start over?  How ’bout we start with this:

On Monday, I baked my very first raspberry pie, using fresh raspberries from my garden. This is my life these days. Fresh raspberry pie, homemade lasagna and long mornings spent in Starbucks, nursing a chai latte and apologizing to my blog.

No guilt. (or working on it, anyways)

 

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Gross Voices Vs. Cool Super-Awesome Voices

  • Posted on May 12, 2011 at 10:52 am

So, yesterday I was feel a bit “funk-y.” The weather was gross; I was frustrated with my lack of things to do; I let myself get all whiny; and then I wrote about it. But after I wrote, I started to feel a bit better. And I scrolled back through some of my other recent blog posts, and realized, I’ve been in a funk for awhile.  Maybe not every day, repeatedly, but certainly often when I’m writing to you fine folks.

But I do notice that the weight lifts a bit when I write.

And I thought to myself, “Hey….maybe you need to be doing this more frequently? like, maybe every day?”

But then the gross voices in my head said, “Blech! who in their right mind would want to hear what you have to say every day? Yuck! You’ll lose readers, hon.  It won’t be pretty.”

And then something surprising happened.  The cool, super-awesome voices, answered back, “Who the fuck cares?  They’re big kids.  They can decide whether or not they want to read what you have to say every day.  And if they don’t want to hear it, well – tough shit. They don’t have to read it! You write for yourself so stop worrying about what others think.”

Well, that kinda pissed off the gross voices, ’cause they hate to be argued with.  And so they retorted, “Sweetheart, you won’t be able to come up with something to write every day.  You’re boring.  Your life is boring. You can barely come up with something to write once a week, and you’re thinking of doing this every day? Gimme a break.”

Right.  Well, you can imagine what this did to the cool, super-awesome voices.  They came up with this rad response: “Seriously?!? Seriously?!? Did you just say that?? You have tons of stuff to say! And it doesn’t always have to be stuff like, ‘oh wow, look at me living my life! Pay attention to me and all the mega-important things I have to say!’ In fact, you can write about absolutely nothing if you choose to!  You could write about your favourite cheese (Boursin, by the way)! You could write about the insano-flushing toilets in Starbucks! You could write about that wiggity-wack dream you had last night!  You could write about the imaginary conversations that you have with those voices in your head!”

Which brings us to this post. See you tomorrow.

 

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What I Want

  • Posted on March 7, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Is it March already? Seriously – time has been flying.  It may have had something to do with the dreamy 3 weeks I just spent in Europe, but I really do feel like life has been moving in fast forward the last little while.  And I’ve barely been making time to enjoy it.

I love going away for extended periods of time because I can take a step back from my life and look at it from a distance.  Unfortunately, I always see the same things – crazy girl living a fast-paced, jam-packed, “never say no,” must-fit-it-all-in life.  And suddenly I find myself dropped into the middle of somewhere like Venice or Paris or Cancun, and I’m shell-shocked. I can’t recall the days leading up to the trip because they were so frantic, as I tried to tie up all the loose ends.

But the joyous part is that it’s all just a little bit hilarious.

When I take a step back, I can’t help but laugh at the disgusting amounts of effort I put into making everything absolutely 100% perfect in my day-to-day life. It is seriously amusing (and somewhat alarming) at the time and energy I put into things I honestly do NOT care about.  But I don’t see that until I look at things from a distance.

I realized something while I was away.  There are a select few things in my life that I really want.  And I never give them enough focus because I spend my time doing all the things I think I “should be doing.” Trust me, I know how familiar this sounds – I cannot count the times that this has been an epiphany on this blog. But clearly something is not sticking.

So, staying true to form, I’m going to make a list.  A reminder, that these are the things that matter to me most; these are the things that I want in my life and that I should not be willing to sacrifice so easily:

1.)   Writing – this blog is one of the best things in my life, and I have posted so infrequently in the last few months.  I miss it.  And I miss writing.

2.)   Personal Connections – my family and friends are incredibly important to me, and so are the connections that I’ve been building creatively and through my blog.  I want to continue developing my creative connections, and I’ve got big ideas brewing for this.

3.)   Music – I did not realize how much I missed having music in my life regularly until I recently was invited to join Aliqua.  I now have big ambitions in the music realm, including performing and writing.  Time to focus on those.

4.)   Creativity/Colour/Fresh Air – I don’t really know how to explain this one because it’s more of a feeling.  But I want more of it in my life.

5.)   Movement/Health – Before I went away, I had gotten to the point where I felt like I *had* to work out, or go to yoga, or go for a run.  I don’t want to feel like it’s a chore.  I want to feel like I have the time to truly enjoy being active.

6.)   Love – dedicating time to my personal relationships is really crucial right now. I’m in a good place and I want to keep it that way :)

7.)   Solitude – I need to feel free to spend time alone.  It’s an essential part of my sanity and peace of mind.

8.)   Good Food – I admit, this one seems a little trivial compared to the other “big” ones above, but I seriously get such satisfaction out of eating good food.  So, it’s going on the list, dammit!

My goal – make it so that each day only contains things that I look forward to.

I’m very, very close.

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