Do you ever have those moments where you actually stop and are surprised by the world you’ve surrounded yourself with? The other night, hubby and I found ourselves lounging on the floor of my office. It was one of those rare, perfect moments where we were just hanging out “being” (and no, we were not naked, folks – minds out of gutter please). Somehow we had both ended up lying on our backs, staring up at the ceiling of my office, on the second floor of my house (an area where you’d rarely find the two of us together, as all that’s up there is my office and a spare bedroom) and we were just chilling, talking.
And it struck me – when did we become so grown-up? Here we were talking about our bank account, or some other mundane thing, and staring up a the ceiling of our own house. That ceiling belonged to me (well, kinda – as hubby pointed out, the bank currently owns a lot of it, but whatever – that ruins my moment). The walls of this house belong to me. All the furniture within these walls is ours. The artwork on the walls was lovingly selected and hung by us. The crap that’s accumulated after 3 years of living here, is also ours. The cars in the driveway are ours. The lawn and garden is ours. This is all ours.
And we’re lying on the floor like children.
In our own house.
And it’s pretty freakin’ unreal.
I’d like to say that I don’t know how I got here, but I’ve been fairly aware of every moment. I wasn’t drunk or stoned or mentally incapacitated. I made conscious choices and decisions to get myself here, and I don’t regret any single one of them. But it’s still unreal. ‘Cause I still feel like I’m barely mature enough or old enough or “something” enough to be here.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m really meant to do with my life. And maybe that’s where this unreality check is coming from. Because although outwardly it looks like I’ve got it all figured out – the house, the yard, the cars, the two cats, and the stable bank account – I still don’t feel like I’ve figured “it” out.
Will I ever? When do we start feeling like grown-ups? When does this all start to make sense? Will I ever figure “it” out?
*whines* Are we there yet? (What time is it, Shannon??) (Just a little shout-out to my fam)