This generally happens when I’m looking down the barrel of one uneventful day after another, with not so much to look forward to, and not a lot on my plate. Granted, this is something I chose to face head on, after I recently decided that I was just going to spend some time “being”. But without fail, my demons show up and once again, I’ve ended up in a funk.
It’s not that I don’t have things I could be doing – I do. I have a few non-work projects that I’ve got on the go; I have writing that I could be doing; things I could to be doing around the house; other avenues I’m curious about pursuing. I go to bed every night with good intentions to spend the next day starting a new project or finishing an old one. But lately, I’m just not motivated.
I’m not sure that I’d say I’m discouraged. I’m just a little….uninspired. And I’m desperately fighting the urge to “find something to do.” Normally when this kind of funk hits, I start trolling the web for jobs to apply for and/or potential volunteer opportunities. Or I go shopping for something I don’t need. Or I start putting myself out there for work contracts I don’t really want to do.
I have an incessant need to feel like I’m doing something. That I’m contributing to my household and to the world in some way. I’m having a really hard time allowing myself to just sit and do something like read a book for the afternoon. That voice in the back of my mind whispers, “Good God, woman – what if someone found out???“.
Truth is, I doubt anyone really cares what I’m doing with my time. As far as I know, there isn’t anyone out there keeping tabs on my daily activities, and how much time I spend “contributing” versus how much time I spend reading a book. No one is monitoring the hours I spend working or the dollars I put into my bank account.
No one except me. I’m my own worst enemy.
But what’s the solution?? I think I’m hoping that by allowing myself the time to just “be,” one of two things will happen. I’ll either become comfortable with who I am right now, what I’m doing, and how I’m contributing to this world and my life. OR something that’s “meant to be” will suddenly makes itself clear to me. In the dating world, they always say that the perfect person comes around when you’re not looking for them. I guess I’m hoping this will happen in the larger sense of my life.
I don’t want to settle. I don’t want just take up any old job, just to fill time and space. I want to be excited about something! I want to feel inspired and motivated and ridiculously keen to wake up in the morning and get going on my day.
Maybe it’s just today. Maybe it’s the rain and the gloom and the gray. Maybe it’s a lot of things. Maybe it’s nothing.