I was SICK.
Like miserably, disgustingly, can’t-believe-I-didn’t-get-the-flu-shot SICK.
And I know that should be a decent enough excuse. But it’s kinda not. Because although I was sick, I still had a ton of free time on my hands. Time that I spent being an unmotivated BLOB, watching re-runs of sad shows like 90210 on my couch. So, instead of writing, I got all gross and depressed and snotty and whiny. I stopped wanting to write. I didn’t feel like I had anything important to say. I felt sorry for myself.
I was a real treat.
And now? Well, I still don’t feel like I have anything all that important to say. I still feel a bit unmotivated and slightly lacking in purpose. But I have been ruminating. Yes, I’ve been ruminating A Lot. (I love the word ruminating)
Most of you that have followed this blog, and my old blog The Quarterlife Quest, for awhile would remember that in the fall, I started a life coach training program. I very much loved the courses. I loved the people I met. I loved the things I learned, both about myself and in how to interact with other people. But something just wasn’t quite “clicking”. I was running full steam ahead towards the certification program. I had all the clients lined up. I had paid the deposit. And I was completely dreading the whole thing.
(I’m having a very bizarre sense of déjà vu right now – have I written about this already? Or just talked about it a lot to friends and family?)
So, what is one to do? Part of me was a bit worried that I was only freaking out because I was scared and/or because I wasn’t totally amazing at coaching yet (and we all remember how much I love doing things that I suck at). The other part of me wondered if maybe coaching just wasn’t “it”. I kept plugging forward anyways. But I really couldn’t shake the icky feeling.
My university girlfriends and I often talked about “The Ick” when we were all still in the dating world. You know when you are dating someone and although everything about him seems great and he really seems to suit you and your friends like him and he’s funny and he smells good but after a few weeks of dating, you suddenly develop this weird icky feeling? Like something is just not right? That even though he may seem perfect for you, you still start avoiding him and making up reasons why he *isn’t* perfect for you, like his ear hair is too long, or he dances with his hands in his pockets? My friends and I started calling that “The Ick”:
Now some may argue that “The Ick” is just me (or you, or whoever), being immature. That we actually create “the ick” because we’re not ready for that person or experience in our lives.
But to me, “The Ick” was, and still is, “The Ick”. And whether it was me being an immature weenie, or it was actually my subconscious telling me this isn’t right for me, I generally chose to listen when “The Ick” reared it’s ugly head.
Like recently: I got “The Ick” on coaching.
I don’t know why. It seemed like the perfect fit. We got along well, it taught me things about myself, it was fun and rewarding. But something about it made me feel like I was dancing with my hands in my pockets. I felt constrained. It just wasn’t right.
So, I’m winding down my one-on-one coaching practice. And for once in my life, I’m not immediately jumping into something else. I have a few ideas kicking around here and there, but for the time being, I’m just going to ruminate. Because I like the word ruminate.