Lately, I’ve been pretty darn content. And it’s been bugging the crap outta me.
As many of you know, I quit a full-time job for a non-profit back in 2007 (wow! 3.5 years ago….that’s friggin’ nutty). I had tons of plans, and I had no plans whatsoever. I had gobs of ideas of things that I wanted to do, and I was ready and rarin’ to go try all of them on for size. But I had no clear path. Just the hope that something would fall into place, and things would suddenly feel like they “fit.”
So, off I went. I started pimpin’ myself out, taking meetings, gathering info, taking classes, trying on different short-term work contracts, traveling, writing, self-examining, going, going, going. I was all over the place and nowhere all at the same time. It was great. And confusing. And exhilarating. And exhausting. And the best darn decision I’d ever made.
But I think one can only do that for so long.
Lately, I’ve been wondering about this massive quest I’ve been on. I have this problem, y’see. It’s something that has recently come to light.
I am absolutely terrible at listening to myself and what I actually want.
I get wrapped up in creating the right image of myself – as a career woman, as a wife, as a “normal functioning member of society,” as someone that’s got it all figured out, someone with direction, or a path, or a Clear, Concise Purpose. I chase after all the things I think I should be but rarely take the time to look at where I actually am.
(I’m getting slightly annoyed at myself for all the italicized words. Apologies.)
So, here’s what I’m trying lately: I’m just being. Because when I look at the life I’m living, it turns out I actually really like it. I enjoy my part-time job (shout-out to Bobs & LoLo!); I love the group that I’m singing with (shout-out to Aliqua!); I’m proud of the self-work that I’ve been doing (cheeseball, I know, but I know no better way to put it); I am grateful for the spare time that I have to write, and sip chai tea, and garden, and create music, and read, and bake. And I’m happy.
But it feels wrong. I feel like I should be doing more than I am. Like I owe it to the world or to someone (myself?) to do something bigger with my life. To use my smarts, my talents, my enthusiasm for something larger than my current existence. Not to mention the fact that I’m constantly worrying about who I’m letting down to live this content little life that I have. Worrying that I’m not making the big bucks like I know I could be doing if I’d sold out to a more lucrative career path. Petrified that the rug is going to be pulled out from under me at some point. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Like I said, it’s bugging the crap outta me.
So lately, I’m trying to make peace with the fact that this may be It. And I don’t mean that in a “things ain’t ever gonna get better than this” kinda way. But more in a “hey kid, you did it” kinda way. Maybe this is where I’m meant to be right now. And maybe that’s ok. In fact, maybe it’s friggin’ brilliant. I’ve always said that my one, all-encompassing goal in life is to be happy. All things considered, I’ve achieved that.
So, now what?