Ms. New Boots my life out loud

About 7 weeks ago, I dropped a blogging bombshell. I announced that I was moving to France for a month. It’s hard to believe that in just a few short days, my time here will be over (at least for now). I did it.  I stood and faced that crazy-ass, ultimate, huge fucking dream, and I said, “why not?”

Ok, so maybe it wasn’t as easy as that.  It took a few days of “what the fuck am I doing”-ness, but ultimately, once I let an inkling of that big dream into my consciousness, I knew there was no going back. I had to do this.

And I’m so….relieved….that I did.

You might recall that post when I announced my big plans.  I made a list of all the reasons why I needed to do this.  And so that I might wrap this whole experience up with a neat and tidy bow, I thought I’d re-visit that list and give a wee update on where I’m at now:

I want to feel free to be creative, and to create, in whatever way I choose, whenever I choose.

I don’t know that I would say that I’ve done a lot of “creating” while here – at least, not in the way that I envisioned myself being when I first wrote that sentence.  I pictured myself composing music, writing lots of blog posts, using my hands and being colourful.  But although I haven’t been creating in that sense, I have certainly been creative.  I realized I had locked my creativity up for the last little while.  I let it out every now and then to play, whenever it felt like it was “appropriate,” but I was not exercising it on a daily basis. Since I’ve been here, I’ve let my mind wander free and I’ve been embracing creative urges, spilling random words into notebooks, indulging in “where to now?” conversations, listening to and reading things that make me feel alive. I have missed this.  It’s such an essential part of who I am, and I was hiding it away.

I want to not feel burdened by the weight of intelligence, and instead, feel liberated by the creative resources of my own brain.

I don’t think I realized it when I wrote it, but I was searching for a way out.  I felt like I wasn’t living up to my intellectual potential; that I was somehow letting down the world by not being traditionally “smart”.  You know, like getting a stable 9-5 job in a cushy, “use your brains” field like investments, or law, or teaching, or rocket science.  I was feeling flaky; I felt like I had no right to have a trillion different career paths that I wanted to try.  I felt like I was too old for that, that it was time to just “settle down” and “be somebody.”

The first book I read here was The Renaissance Soul, and suddenly my world clicked into place.  I’m not designed to do just one thing.  I would go severely crazy. I like to have my hands in a bunch of different projects.  I like to focus on many things at one time.  And that’s a GOOD THING.  The working world is shifting – those that are lighting the path are the entrepreneurs, the creative brains, the people that do what they love, the people that do many things.  I am meant to be one of those people.

I want to make peace with the fact that I don’t make as much money as my peers.

This one was a big surprise for me.  I pictured myself hunkering down and giving myself a good “talking-to” about how money doesn’t matter, and that I should just do what I love, even if it isn’t financially rewarding because, hey – then at least I’m doing what I love.  But the opposite happened.  I realized that I can make as much money as my peers, and I can do it doing things I love.  It just may look different than everyone else.  I don’t need to climb a corporate ladder and rely on someone else to give me a raise and a big fancy title.  I can make money doing a ton of things.  And yeah, I may not be Vice-President of Marketing for some Big Important Company (because that actually makes me want to vomit).  But instead, I get to do whatever floats my boat, and if I’m dedicated and good at it, I can charge whatever the heck I want.

I want to determine if I feel that I should be doing something more with my life, or if I am actually content with where I am.

I think I’ve learned that there’s a big difference between being content and being  fulfilled.  Sure, I wasn’t sad or depressed or poor or lonely or bored (actually, I was pretty bored).  But I sure as hell wasn’t doing anything to really feed my soul.  I’ve realized that I kinda owe it to myself to do more.  And yeah, it might take some work.  But that’s ok, ’cause it’ll be worth it.

I want to feel like I deserve to sit and read a book for 4 hours straight.

Well, I definitely did this. A lot. And while I still think it will be hard for me to process this weird guilt that I have associated with sitting and reading a book in the middle of the day while other people are at work, I need to remember that they could be doing that too if they wanted.  That while I may get to read during the middle of the day, I also work really early in the morning, or late at night, or on weekends. And most of the time, no one is paying attention anyways!

I want to befriend the cliquey high-school bitches that live in my mind and tell me I can’t/shouldn’t/don’t know how to do things.

This is the one I’m most afraid of. Right now, here in Bordeaux, I’m too excited about the things I want to do when I get home that I don’t have time to stop and listen to those bitchy voices. I just don’t care. But I do worry that once I’m home and settled back into a routine that those voices will start to creep back in.  I think as long as I have a plan, I’ll be ok.  And when my plan starts to feel stale, I’ll need to take a few steps back and make a new plan.  Those cliquey bitches don’t know what to do with plans.  In fact, I think the reason they start their bitching is to bring my attention back to the fact that I no longer have a plan that’s working.  It’s not a very nice way to do things, but maybe they’re just trying to help (seems to me there might better ways to do this, but hey, they’re only in high school. What do they know?)

I want to be free of the day-to-day things that tie me down and seem to overwhelm any creative urges or instincts I might have.

Day to day things only tie me down because I let them.  How long does it really take to do the laundry?  Not that long.  How long does it really take to cook dinner? No more than an hour, and it’s a fabulous hour if there’s wine and music involved. Everyone has to do those day to day things.  But in reality, they don’t take that much time. Seriously.

I want to indulge in some pure and total selfishness (and feel content about it).

Yup, check that one off the list. But I’ve realized that being selfish is sometimes a necessity for sanity.  And it doesn’t mean that I have to be all cruel and uncaring towards other people and their needs – that’s a totally different kind of selfishness.  It just means that every now and then, it’s pretty damn crucial to listen to yourself.  In fact, I’d say it should actually be more frequent than every now and then – it should be a life practice. The fastest way to build unhappiness in my life has been to ignore my own urges and instincts.  I think we all need to be okay with being selfish. It’s life-changing.

So, where to now?  In a few days, I’ll be home, snuggling my poor lonesome kitties and ready to take on the world.  I have some big ideas, and big plans and I’m excited to get going! I don’t know that I’ll ever have everything all figured out, but I’m okay with that.  In fact, I’m MORE than okay with that. It’s kind of ideal really.

Yay!!! As promised, the next photo blog from Bordeaux!  I’ve been carting my camera everywhere with me (just my little point-and-shoot; one day I’ll be brave enough to experiment with our big fancy camera), and I’ve been snapping photos of whatever catches my eye.  Here are some more glimpses into my lovely life in Bordeaux….

This lovely shot was actually taken on my iPhone. ‘Member those gardens along the river boardwalk, and the buttery yellow buildings I was telling you about in my last post? Voila! This is just to the left of Place de la Bourse and the Mirroir d’Eau, two of Bordeaux’s most famous landmarks:

Also taken on my iPhone, the circus has come to town! Pinder Circus is apparently one of the best traveling circuses in France, and if you walk past their set-up here at Place des Quinconces, you might catch a glimpse of their menagerie (we saw camels, donkeys and a tiger when we walked past). In this photo, you can see their row of travel cars, all lined up along the quai, with the big top in the background:

Oh, look! It’s me!  I took a day trip by train last Saturday to Arcachon, a little seaside town in France.  It was the day before hubby arrived, so I needed something exciting to do to make the day pass faster.  Solution? Shopping in the cute boutiques and lounging on the beach.  If you look closely, just to my right, there is one of the many topless sunbathers (mon dieu! pas moi!):

Another shot from Arcachon. I wandered the cute streets and took a gazillion photos of the gorgeous medieval houses, but this is my fave shot (18th century – not medieval, but still lovely):

It’s not the most glamorous shot, but it shows something I deal with every day – pigeons!  Or more so, their feathers.  I am convinced that pigeons get into my bedroom somehow when I am out and about because I am constantly finding their feathers everywhere!!:

Hubby and I went for a walk along the quai today and came across the local skatepark.  The best part was, they had a section for big kids and for little kids, and this wee tyke (no more than 3 years old!, was givin’ ‘er on his own little skateboard.  My favourite part was when his mom packed up the stroller when it was time to go, and off they went!

Friggin’ adorable, right?? More photos to come, I’m sure! Still a week and a half before we head home

Reading in the Jardin Publique

My favourite thing about Bordeaux is that 15 years ago, this was just another aging river port city.  The 18th century buildings were graying and grimy from pollution.  The roadways were busy and congested.  The river banks were decrepit with old warehouses, inhabited by prostitutes and drug dealers. The heyday of the wine merchants had passed and the city had lost its charm. But sometime around 15 years ago, the municipality started implementing changes.  The buildings were cleaned up, and now they shine with a warm, buttery glow.  Major streets were shut down, and tram lines were installed.  The major downtown area became pedestrian streets.  And the tired riverbank warehouses were torn down and a gorgeous boardwalk was created, with ample space for runners, bikers, roller-bladers, skateboaders.  They also created massive gardens and the spectacular Mirror of Water that reflects one of the most gorgeous Plazas of the city, especially at night when it’s all lit up.

On my last day of my French class, we had to go out into the streets of Bordeaux and find residents who were willing to talk to us about Bordeaux before and after the revitilization.  I was petrified.  We’d been told on Monday that we’d be doing this exercise sometime that week, and each morning, I walked to class totally terrified that today would be the day that I’d have to leave the safe confines of the classroom and talk to “real people.” The problem between me and the French language is that I can understand it fabulously, but the moment I have to speak it, every French word I ever learned magically vanishes from my brain.  I had visions of staring dumbfounded at people on the street, and then blabbering on in English, whilst throwing in any French word I could think of like “croissant” or “déja vu” or “je ne sais quoi.”  Basically, I was convinced I would make an ass of myself.

Not exactly the best attitude to take with me, but nevertheless, this Friday I bravely set out with my German-speaking partner, Matthias (who, incidently, was almost as spectacular at speaking French as I was) to find one or two Bordeaux residents who would speak to us, without laughing at us. And, I loathe to admit it, but it did not suck.  And I did not splutter away in Franglish.  In fact, I didn’t even use the word “croissant.” And the people we spoke to were the loveliest people I could ever have hoped to encounter for this assignment.  We spoke to a woman who worked in a flower shop, who perhaps thought we were a bit nuts, but still humoured us by answering our disjointed French questions.  We spoke to a dude who gives pedicab tours of the city, and he babbled on and on quite happily about how the city is a great place for students like him.  And, my personal fave, we spoke to a scary looking old guy on a smoke break, who turned out to be the loveliest French man I have ever met, as he spoke glowingly about this city that he has lived in for 42 years.

I haven’t blogged lately because I’ve been feeling like it’s quite impossible to really explain my connection to this amazing city. I still feel like I’m in awe every day when I look around and really see where I am. There’s something special about France -- and about the city of Bordeaux in particular -- that just really grabs me.  There is so much love for this city from its inhabitants.  They are proud to be here, and they take care of their hometown and eachother. They maintain their history, but they roll with the changes that life and technology brings.  It’s an honour to be living here for this short time.

If you’re curious to see more of Bordeaux and see some of its before/after, watch the Youtube video I’ve posted below.

And bonus! Sometime in the next few days, I’m hoping to do another photo blog post.  I’ve been taking a crap pile of pictures and I’m just trying to figure out which ones I love the most so I can post them here.

And lastly, for those of you that have been curious, I finally saw the pregnant lady again (I mentioned her in this post).  As of thi past Friday, she was still pregnant. I’ll keep you posted

I realized today that I am halfway through my 5-week hiatus – crazy!  The first week flew by because I was bombing all over Ireland, trying to stay on the correct side of the road, and visiting every ruin and castle possible.  The second week flew by because I spent a good portion of my time totally confused by the language and culture.  This week, I feel more settled.  I spent the better part of the weekend reading my new favourite book, The Renaissance Soul (I won’t go into details here because I just have WAY to much to say, but for those of you that are familiar with the book – you know what I mean!).  In any case, I finally feel like I’m getting into the nitty gritty good stuff of my little self-imposed retreat.  I’m writing a LOT, and thinking a LOT, and counting down the days until hubby arrives so I have someone to share all of this with!

But enough about all that stuff.  I think today, we should talk about my other obsession here in France.

Food.

For the most part, I have been cooking for myself ’cause as I mentioned in my last post, eating in restaurants by myself isn’t my favourite thing to do.  So, I’ve been getting creative (and repetitive) in my cooking for one, but that doesn’t mean that I still can’t obsess with the food here.  Just so you get a taste of what I’m talking about….

This is the reason I get up every morning:

Pain au chocolate (aka. une chocolatine). It's like a croissant with chocolate in the middle. Heck yes.

This is what I ordered when I went out to a pizzeria by myself.  What the photo doesn’t show is that I ate pretty much THE ENTIRE PIZZA:

I believe France might have the best margherita pizzas in the world (haven't been to Naples yet, so I'm not 100% certain).

These are some of the tempting sites at the Sunday morning market on the quay:

goat cheese, in all its marvelous forms!

baked goodies!

finally! fresh fruits and veggies!

And this is what I gorged on after a long walk along the river:

mmmmm! strawberries and raspberries!

I have also eaten my share of fresh baguettes with cheese but still have not been able to take a photo of one before I devoured the whole thing. Thankfully, it takes me about 20 minutes to walk to French class every day, so I’m getting a good 40 minutes of exercise (if you can call it that!) each day.  That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!

5 days in. And as a few people kindly pointed on to me on Facebook, I seem to have a penchant for posting whiny/complaining/negative status updates, which perhaps is leading everyone to believe that either a) I’m not having a good time or b) I’m a whiny bitch.  I’m fairly certain that neither or these options apply to me, but I think perhaps I lean towards the negative ’cause I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging or that I think I am way more fortunate than all the other poor souls that are slogging away at their regular lives back home. Also, neither of which are true.

In actuality, I am doing quite well in Bordeaux.  That’s not to say that there haven’t been things to adjust to (the plethora of mosquitoes, the seeds in my grapes and the bizarro corkscrew in my apartment), but I’ve been solving problems left, right and centre, and therefore brushing up on my “suck it up and get over it” skills.

BUT, just in case you still aren’t totally convinced, I’ve decided to compile a list of some of my experiences thus far in Bordeaux.  It’s a mish-mash of things – things I’ve noticed, experienced, thought about.  But here’s what Bordeaux has shown me so far:

• it is HOT here.  And there are some spectacular middle-of-the-night thunderstorms, which I am not used to, having grown up on the west coast of BC.  The other night, I sat in amazement at my window and watched lightning at 4:30am.

• balled-up toilet paper works great as earplugs, if you don’t want to spend money on the expensive pink ones in the grocery store.  You cannot hear mosquitoes through toilet paper.

• small children who speak a different language are positively, wanna-pinch-their-cheeks-and-put-them-on-a-shelf, adorable.

• apparently, I look German.  Or Swiss.  Or Swedish. These were the first three guesses my French teacher had for my nationality before giving up.

• 18-22 year olds are fearless.  I have encountered a few of them in my travels here and in Ireland, and all of them are extremely confident, friendly and willing to do/try anything.  I remember when I used to be like that.

• not many people in their mid-30′s travel solo.  I am one of the few people at my French school who fit into the 30-40 year old void.  Most students are either less than 27ish, or older than 50ish.  The young people don’t know quite what to do with me, but are mostly friendly.  The older people seem to be afraid of me.

• I’m not lonely.  I am alone for the majority of my days and nights, but I’m pretty content.

• It’s more comfortable to eat alone in a restaurant when there are other solo diners.  It makes you feel more normal.

• It’s really, really, REALLY hard to eat alone without pretending to have, or actually having, something else to do (eg. checking your iPhone, reading a book etc.). It feels like you “should” be doing something, or have at least a reason to be eating alone.  Otherwise, you end up staring at people and/or listening in on their conversations, and that makes you feel creepy.

• Hearing an English conversation in the street after being surrounded by French all day is particularly jarring.  You find yourself wanting to talk to that person, whoever they may be, just so that you can feel intelligent once again.

• Nothing makes you feel more stupid than not being able to fully communicate in a language. It is also really, really difficult to be humorous. I feel like a very boring, extremely unintelligent person when I (try to) speak French.

• Spanish and Brazilian men shave their legs and arms (well, at the last the ones I’ve met).  There is a 19-year old Spanish dude in my French class who has sexier legs than me.  The 28-year old Brazilian guy has his mom or his girlfriend shave his back for him.  Men back home would be mortified to admit something like this, but to these guys, it is totally 100% normal.

• Buying groceries in another country is perhaps the most alienating thing I’ve done.  None of the food looks the same, and everything is weird (eg. eggs and milk are kept on shelves and not in the cooler; they sell guacamole mix and avocados, but no tortilla chips; bottles of wine are sold in the grocery store for only 2 euros – approx. $3; you cannot buy one single bulb of garlic – you must buy 6 in a bag).

• I never seem to be hungry. Ever.  I cook dinner around 8pm at night, only because I feel like I “should” not because I’m actually hungry.

• Every day this week, I have walked past the same incredibly pregnant woman on my way to school.  Today was the only day that I didn’t see her and I wonder if she has had her baby.

• Instead, this morning, I walked past a 20-something dude, sauntering down the main drag of Bordeaux in a bright pink bathrobe.

• Bordeaux is an incredibly beautiful city (in fact, it’s now a UNESCO World Heritage Site), but I don’t think the Bordelais realize how gorgeous this city really is.  Funny how sometimes even the most amazing things become commonplace when we see them every day.

In closing, just to showcase how gorgeous this city is, these are some of the sites I see every day, walking to class:

Place de la Comédie

The Regent Grand Hotel

Children's Carousel on the Allées de Tourny