So, just as summer has finally arrived here on the west coast of BC, I’m making my final preparations for leaving. And although I am REALLY excited (I finally confirmed an apartment today!), the feelings of doubt, worry, loneliness and what-the-fuck-am-I-doing are starting to set in. For the most part, the feelings aren’t overwhelming, but they are there, just kinda lurking around the back of my consciousness, waiting for a perfectly inopportune time to spring forth.
It just doesn’t seem real. And oddly enough, I’ve been pretty content lately. But I suspect it’s because I have this month of new adventure stretching out before me. I’m no longer staring at a blank canvas of same-old, same-old. I have purposeful lists, and a very definite deadline.
And a part of me is concerned that a month just won’t be long enough. What if the 4 weeks pass, and I’m feeling no different than when I left? What if I haven’t made peace with all that uncertainty? What if I don’t read all the books I brought with me?
The truth is, I don’t think it will be long enough. How could it? It’s a little unrealistic to think that 4 weeks in a foreign country are going to suddenly make everything make sense. I have a lot of things I want to make sense of. It’s a pretty tall order.
But at the same time, I know the trip needs to be long enough, as is. I don’t want it to turn into an escape. I could spend an eternity living in France “figuring it all out” but if I never came home, would I really have a chance to notice a different between the before and after?
So. It is was it is. It will be what it will be. And I’m going to do everything I can to just completely roll myself up in the sites and sounds and experiences of Bordeaux and not waste a moment of any of it by sitting and feeling bored or undeserving or lonely or crazy.
I’m going to be in Bordeaux.
My life is crazy.
P.S. I haven’t left yet, and before I go to France, I’ll be in Ireland for a week. But I do plan to blog while in France, so stay tuned!